Is Wilt Chamberlain an Alien?

February 25, 2013 / by / 1 Comment

Wilton Norman Chamberlain, as he’s called on Earth, is an alien sent here to study female anatomy and rock the rim. He didn’t die, he just went back to whatever planet he came from. I mean there is no way this guy was a real human being. I know you’re thinking I’m crazy, but hear me out. For starters, this dude is 7 foot 1 and about 275 pounds. When you take a look at his NBA career things get even stranger, his numbers are quite literally out of this world. How about averaging just over 50 points and 25 rebounds… FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON? I am quite confident when I say that is the most impressive regular season performance I’ve heard of in all of sports. His career numbers are also incredible, 30.1 points, 4.4 assists, and 22.9 rebounds over his 14 seasons in the NBA. He made averaging a double double (a loaded double double at that) look quite easy.

“I mean c’mon… how do you explain this?”

Those averages are wild, but MJ averaged just as many points and I’m pretty confident he’s human… so what set Wilt apart from the human world? Well, he had 58 points and 42 rebounds in a single game. How do you even do that? He must’ve been using time travel to get up and down the court and some sort of… energy pack or.. something. He also infamously scored 100 points in a single game. The majority of NBA teams today can’t score 100 points in a game, enough said. But why was he sent here? What is his purpose on earth?

"He's flying... last time I checked people don't fly"

“He’s flying… last time I checked people don’t fly”

In my mind it’s quite simple, he was sent here to study female anatomy. Wilt notoriously claimed to have slept with 20,000 women, also said by friends to have “preferred threesomes”. Seriously holy shit. That’s 20,000 specimens to report back to the alien overlords (and isn’t 20,000 a conveniently round number?). At this point in the article the theme music from the Twilight Zone or X-files ought to be playing in your head. He really was some advanced sort of probe sent here to… well probe¬† beautiful female specimens. Too ridiculous of a scenario for you? Riddle me this, how ridiculous is sleeping with 20,000 women and/or scoring 100 points in a basketball game, against professional athletes.

"He's got 99 problems..."

“He’s got 99 problems…”

So think what you will ladies and gentlemen, but I remain firmly committed to the idea that Wilt Chamberlain was no human, but a woman slaying alien basketball machine. Thank you for reading, please let me know if you agree and you don’t want the government coverup of aliens to go on any longer.

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Franklin Fitch

Studying Sociology at Duquesne University. Automotive enthusiast and craft beer drinker; an IPA a day keeps the doctor away. Cleveland Cavaliers, all for one, one for all. I'm a firm believer in the power of the written word. Contact me or on twitter @DudesNews or If you build it, they will come.

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